Why?

For some strange reason, my emotions are EVERYWHERE.

Now for a quick update:

Josh left me over two months ago. He doesn't live here anymore.

He came home one night with divorce papers and didn't come home after a couple of days.

There's another story, too, but we don't need to get into that...

Guess what else?

I fucking miss him. Like he has NO clue.

And I feel like an IDIOT for missing him because he is nothing but a self-centered jerk who never EVER cared about me nearly as much as he let on.

I keep keeping myself from spilling my guts to him because it will do no good...

Meanwhile,

my heart aches for him every day, I torture myself by trying to see him, and still dream of him.

I'm just really tired of being alone.

Why are some guys such dicks?

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. It's so hard being around him but this isn't reason enough to uproot my son again...

is it? Cause seeing him kills me.

Just trying to take things one day at a time..

We'll see how it goes.

Till next time.

Wow...Day7, already.

Usually this don't last as long as it has, but I think both of us are realizing that happiness in our marriage is important. It's really hard not being able to look in his beautiful eyes and tell him that I love him and to give him a huge hug when he gets home from having a bad day..

He's not talking to me much, but he's working really hard and is very tired.

Nonetheless, I'm going to give him exactly what he asked for. I'm getting a ride back to my hometown with my family. I'm going to be there with Zander for at least a week, and will be camping a lot. The only bummer is that I still have all my homework to do...gah!

I think it will be good for us. Maybe he will realize how much he misses me when I'm not up and moving in the morning when he wakes up and staying up late to see him come home from work so we can watch TV together. Maybe he really will miss me and have what it takes to step up and be a REAL man and be here for his family like a husband should.

I was REALLY excited to go but now I'm nervous that when I come back....he'll know for sure that what he just experience was what he really actually wanted...not us.
I don't think he is ready regardless, but that would mean that it's over..and I'm not ready for that.

But it is what it is..I guess. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Yeah..
I'm scared..

First Day of New Church

Well  it's kind of late so I'll write just a little about my day.
...Church was alright, not too bad.
I was a little disappointed not to meet the Pastor, but they're on vacation in my hometown with my youth pastor, so it's okay. I can't expect him to just jump back here to meet me lol.
But I know he'll be looking for me when he gets back.

Next week I'll try not to be late...it was kinda my fault but I figured the worship would've lasted longer.
The guy that spoke today is a biker, who is a missionary all over the US.

He was HILARIOUS.

The people were really friendly, but I was still pretty nervous.
And nothing was free either, which is understandable but was like hmm I guess I'll bring my own coffee from now on.
(That and I don't carry any money on me.)

Zander was really shy in the nursery till the rambunctious ones left.
They were trying to run over all the other little kids with toys.
But he was playing with a little girl going down the slide and jumping and rolling around on the floor.
....It was SO adorable :)

And then we stopped by to see Josh at work.
This whole thing just keeps getting harder for me.
He says the break is cause we were fighting so much
And he doesn't know what to do cause I expect so much from him.

Like...what am I supposed to do? Or to want?
I only want what every woman wants from her husband.
Maybe he's still not grown up yet.

But whatever happens, I know that he won't kick me to the curb or anything, he does care about me.

We'll figure it out I'm sure.

But then there was a migraine today..few hours.
My house was TRASHED, Zander didn't want to nap...

And then I tried finishing (or rather starting then finishing) a poster for the poster contest....


....and was only a few minutes late. SO frustrating...and I did a really good job too. I had a SUPER Idea. :( O well... Anyways I think it's going to be a really long night. First the migraine, now I'm getting leg pains. And I don't have Josh to help comfort me (like he ever did anyways. He would just ignore me and complain when I would cry...jerk. He has NO idea how painful it is. And it takes a lot of pain for it to make me cry...I've kinda gotten used to it. I mean like right now it hurts, a lot, and even in my back, but it's mostly just discomfort. Aaaaanywho here I go rambling on again.
Hope to get some sleep tonight...I hope he sleeps too. He's having a lot of pain with his teeth. I hope that gets better soon, or we need to find a way to get him to a dentist..

Day 2, alone.

Well I'm starting off by saying that I'm going to church in the morning.
And I'm scared haha. Of course...I'm just a little fraidy-cat.

I guess it's a good sign that I'm trying to be humorous in all of this.
But today was kinda worse.
I mean there wasn't a top of STUFF that bugged me...Zander was actually pretty good.

But the conversations today didn't really ease my mind. I'm thinking that my marriage may be over sooner than I think. 

Then, I think well maybe don't talk to him and maybe we can both have more time to think. 

But we don't need more time. He knows what I want.
He knows what he promised.
And here I am 4 months later and he's ready to call it quits.
Why am I so stupid to think he could change?
I know it's not my fault.

Why are we so selfish?
Why is he such a coward?
Why am I such a coward...

I hope I feel better tomorrow...
Ha! It's almost tomorrow :)

There I go again tryin to make a funny.
W/e. I guess it's time to go lay awake for two hours before finally falling asleep.
I really hope Zander doesn't wake up screaming in the middle of the night. He was doing that at bedtime and I don't feel like staying up all night before going to church..I'll get too little sleep as it is.

Well here I go rambling on again...At least I'm good at talking to myself... (And again *haha*?)

A bad day..

I honestly don't think there's more than a handful of things that would make this week worse than it is.

So sad today and there was just things after more things after more things that just..

IRRITATED me.

I think he regrets what he said last night..he wasn't expecting me to be so calm and collected about it.

But I think we all know that 3 years is a long time to deal with the same crap and if anyone knows his story then I'm sure you wonder why I'm even here.

Truth is...people ask me that a lot. I don't always know what to say.

I'm kind of tired of having to explain myself.

I shouldn't have to.

That shouldn't be my biggest worry though. 

I didn't exercise today. I'm not depressed I'm just..down.

So. much. to. do.

So. little. time. 

Day 1, alone.

I spoke with someone last night who helped me to realize exactly what I already knew.
Three years ago he told me this would happen and I didn't listen.

Well,

I'm ready to now.

I slept alone last night for one of the first times this year, and I slept surprisingly well,

...once I fell asleep.

I know what I have to do and on Sunday, I'm going to go to what he says is a great church.

It's kind of a long drive for me, but I'm going to go. Wish me luck, I always feel really nervous in a new church.

Lol I haven't dressed up for church in a long time, since I always had to go to work afterwards last year. I'm kinda looking forward to dressing up nice to go to church, and for Zander to be with other kids in their nursery :).

I think I'll be okay. I'm not going to let myself get depressed. I'm just really disappointed, and not in myself. I don't believe this is my fault. But I am sad. I'm trying to just shake it off :)

And so it begins...

As of about 45 mins ago my husband told me he wanted to "take a break."

At this point, after everything he has put me through, I really don't see any point in trying anymore.

It's been almost three years and I just can't keep putting our son through this.

The worst part is....

Now I have no idea what to do.

Even worse?

I don't WANT to think about what I have to do now.

I know what it was like before..when he left me..and it was really hard.

Now I'm in a new place, I know NO ONE but my neighbors, have no income, and I feel so deeply alone. 

I have to do what's best for my son.

Maybe the battle I have had this week has been trying to prepare me for the news of

Tonight..

I. Just. Don't. Know. What. To. Do. What. To. Feel. What. To. Think.

.

..

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